Joy – An Emotion We Understand So Poorly, Yet Need So Much
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“Joy is not merely a reward… it can be a decision, a medicine, a solution, a confirmation, even a project.”
No, sorry, we are not all equal when it comes to the quality of our everyday lives.
A great deal depends on our ability to create, welcome and prolong moments of joy — an essential fuel for trust in life.
When we do, the limbic brain produces a powerful hormonal cocktail that can do several things:
- create a sense of fullness;
- build an emotional memory we can draw on later;
- strengthen self-regard;
- add another small piece to a more optimistic view of life and the world.
There is, however, a catch.
We have to do a little work.
We cannot leave the development of self-esteem, regard for others and respect for life entirely to chance.
Joy is not only a complex and rather wonderful emotional phenomenon.
It is also a skill.
That is the part people tend to overlook.
It is extremely reductive to imagine that joy belongs only to pleasure, laughter or those brief encounters with good luck.
Luck.
What an impressively passive concept.
And notice, too, how joy is sabotaged every day by people who believe it has to be earned.
“Don’t laugh so loudly.”
“Calm down.”
“It won’t last.”
“I don’t see what’s so funny.”
When I was a child — already quite cheerful, as it happens — I even had an unpleasant aunt who would occasionally say:
“Do you think you look intelligent when you laugh like that?”
Some people confuse joy with euphoria, carelessness or excitement and become slightly alarmed by it.
So let us put things back in their proper place and have a closer look at what joy actually is.[1]
Joy is a fundamental and foundational emotion.
According to the work of Dr Paul Ekman, one of the major figures in the field, it belongs to the group of functional emotions alongside fear, grief, disgust and anger.
That means it is far more than a sign that we are having a pleasant time.
It plays an essential part in our development, both as individuals and as a species.
It is, in a sense, our Alpha and Omega: the state from which we begin and the state towards which we repeatedly try to return.
Let us also get rid of the idea that joy has to be noisy, like a child charging about in the snow.
Joy can be quiet.
Peaceful.
Almost still.
Professor John Parr offers a beautifully simple definition:
“
Joy is the emotion we experience when the others are absent: no fear, no anger, no disgust, no grief — simply a moment of peace.
— John Parr
Seen this way, joy becomes one of the conditions for development and for feeling at ease in the world.
It is both a destination and a means of sustaining inner resonance, peace, serenity and optimism.
That thing everyone calls happiness without being entirely sure what they mean by it.
Well, there we are.
Sorted.
From a purely physiological point of view, joy is a message from the limbic brain that gives us permission — rather than sounding an alarm, as its four siblings grief, anger, disgust and fear tend to do.
That permission is essential to our existential balance.
It allows us, briefly, to let go and give our inner child some fresh air.
Once dopamine is released into the system, we may experience a brief surge of freedom and pleasure.
A smile appears.
The pupils open.
Sometimes the response lasts a little longer and becomes laughter, singing or dancing — a few moments in which nothing matters except being alive, being present and being oneself.
Each little burst of joy, however fleeting, gives us a taste of self-love, relief from what weighs on us and optimism outside the machinery of thought.
Sometimes it behaves like déjà vu.
It arrives.
And just as quickly, it dissolves into the evening air.
Who could seriously argue that this is not a remarkable emotion?
My dear fellow human beings, perhaps it is time to stop merely hoping for joy.
We need to recognise it, understand it and learn how to activate it deliberately.
Emotional question #1
Do you know what reliably triggers genuine joy for you?
This is a deeper question than it first appears.
Many people confuse joy with pleasure.
Or desire with excitement.
Yet genuine joy — the kind that produces peace, freedom and trust — cannot be reduced to external stimulation.
Is it a moment of connection?
A personal achievement?
A sense of being part of something larger than yourself?
What is it, then?
Well, that depends.
Joy is about as personal as a birthmark.
Quick guide
Identify your triggers
Think back to three moments when you experienced simple, powerful and lasting joy.
What did they have in common?
- Notice whether they were connected with an action, a relationship, a situation or an achievement.
- Ask yourself whether you felt merely good — or also free.
- If necessary, write down your most reliable triggers like a conscientious scientist.
Try this now
Create a map of your joy territory.
Places.
People.
Activities.
Anything that reconnects you with wellbeing and with your inner child.
The one who laughs, incidentally.
Not the frightened one.
“
For years, I thought joy was for children, or for people who didn’t have any problems.
Then one day, walking alone in the countryside, I felt something pass through me.
It was gentle, vivid and completely quiet.
Pure joy.
I realised that joy did not depend entirely on circumstances.
It also depended on my ability to be fully present.
Since then, I recognise it more often.
It tends to arrive when I am not looking for it.
And I am learning to let it stay a little longer.
— Léa, a therapist colleague
Emotional question #2
Does joy make you nervous?
Strangely enough, for many people the answer is yes.
There are two main reasons.
1. Joy requires openness
To experience joy, we have to loosen our grip a little.
Allow ourselves to feel.
Stop controlling quite so much.
And openness creates vulnerability.
For some people, fear then becomes the dominant emotion.
2. We confuse joy with the moods that resemble it
Euphoria.
Exaltation.
Carelessness.
Naivety.
A kind of dazzled enthusiasm.
These states can look like joy.
They are not the same thing.
They are prolonged emotional states created partly by thought, whereas joy itself is a brief emotional response.
And these states can carry genuine risks.
Perhaps because dopamine is rather persuasive stuff, we may unconsciously start trying to recreate the pleasurable state again and again, using it to escape reality.
That is quite different from allowing ourselves a short moment of genuine release.
Joy gives permission.
Some of the moods that imitate it can become ways of avoiding life.
Notice how you react when joy appears.
Do you move away from it?
Do you cut it short?
Do you minimise it?
“Let’s not get carried away.”
“It won’t last.”
Do you worry that something bad will happen afterwards?
Have you experienced that kind of emotional whiplash before?
Quick guide
Stop making joy suspicious
- Challenge the belief: “Am I allowed to be happy without earning it?”
- Learn to breathe in joy, just as we learn to breathe out grief.
- Distinguish genuine joy from addictive emotional highs that may create pleasure without creating peace.
Try this now
Empty your mind as much as you can.
Find somewhere you like.
Do absolutely nothing for three minutes except enjoy being there.
No performance.
No objective.
No productivity.
Just three minutes of peace.
See what happens.
“
Every time I felt happy, I had this strange reflex of thinking that something bad would happen afterwards.
As though I wasn’t really allowed to enjoy it.
It came from an old childhood belief:
‘Don’t be too happy. You’ll pay for it. It won’t last. Something will come along and spoil it.’
Then I married Isabelle, who seems to receive joy like a gift rather than something she has to deserve.
I watched her pass that attitude on to our first child.
At some point, I decided to loosen up a little myself.
And you know what?
I didn’t die.
I actually think I became happier.
— Patrick, a former colleague from another lifetime
Emotional question #3
Do you cultivate your capacity for joy?
Joy, like other emotions, can be invited, triggered and even trained.
Yes.
It is an emotional competence.
Not merely something spontaneous or magical that arrives when fate is in a good mood.
Think of it as a muscle we have rather neglected.
How much attention do you pay to your experience in ordinary moments?
What rituals have you created to nourish inner resonance — or, put more simply, joy?
Could you deliberately create some joy for yourself?
To generate dopamine, we need to create conditions in which joy can arise.
Singing.
Laughing properly.
Dancing without watching yourself dance.
All of these can stimulate dopamine production.
So yes, this may be the moment to pick up the shower head and belt out the anthem of your teenage years while performing the live version in full.[2]
Do try not to slip.
Quick guide
Train your joy competence
- Each evening, note one thing that gave you joy, however small. Better still, tell someone you care about. That helps the experience settle more firmly into emotional memory.
- Learn to name what you felt: pleasure, gratitude, peace, relief, wonder, enthusiasm…
- Practise active joy: sing, dance, laugh, without worrying too much about who may be listening or watching. Karaoke is remarkably efficient for this.
Try this
In the morning, ask yourself:
“What will bring me joy today? How can I help it happen?”
Then make sure you actually do something about it.
In the evening, ask:
“What were my moments of joy today?”
One day, you may notice that you no longer need to ask.
Your limbic brain will already be doing some of the work for you.
You can also use one of Ekman’s four emotional uprisers — or accelerators — depending on which works best for you:[3]
Remembering a joyful moment.
Imagining a joyful moment.
Talking about a joyful moment.
Being with a joyful person.
“
I started keeping a joy notebook on the advice of a psychologist.
At first, it was difficult.
Nothing seemed important enough.
Then, after a few days, I noticed that birdsong made me smile.
That toast in the morning genuinely pleased me.
And I understood something:
joy is not always a firework.
Sometimes it is an ember.
And an ember needs tending.
Since then, I have become much more attentive to the small things that do me good.
— My mother
(Forty years of depression, admittedly. She knows the territory.)
Joy is emotional information.
It tells us what feels good, right and alive for us.
And it gives us permission to release control.
It is also a powerful source of resilience because it helps us recharge after difficult periods.
Sometimes it even acts as a reward, as the limbic brain produces hormones associated with pleasure when we allow joy to move through us.
So the next time joy appears, do not chase it away.
Do not analyse it to death in case it disappears.
Welcome it.
Breathe it in.
Let it take up some space.
Even if it lasts only a few seconds.
And name it.
Naming joy gives it shape.
Saying it aloud is even better.
It may irritate the solemn people, which is an added bonus.
Because joy, when we allow ourselves to experience it properly, nourishes courage, vitality and connection.
And it reminds us of something wonderfully simple:
we arrive in the world before fear, anger, disgust and grief have had much time to organise themselves.
Perhaps that tells us something about how fundamentally human joy really is.
References
[1] Paul Ekman, Emotions Revealed; John Parr, Foreplay, Fair Play, Foul Play
[2] Or your childhood anthem, if you are currently a teenager.
[3] Paul Ekman’s concept of emotional “uprisers”, Emotions Revealed
I dedicate this article to Delphine, the love of my life and a daily source of joy.
The cycle of emotions
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