Disgust – Are There Really Such Things as Toxic People?

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“That bloke makes my skin crawl!”
“I can’t stand that sort of behaviour.”
“Just thinking about it makes me want to throw up.”

Things most of us have probably said — or at least thought — at some point in our lives.

We tend to think of disgust as an automatic reaction to something “revolting”.

In reality, it is far deeper — and far more essential — than that.

Disgust is one of our five functional emotions,^[1] alongside grief, fear, joy and anger.

It plays a key role in our development.

It is a survival mechanism: a physical response triggered by the limbic brain to warn us away from anything that could be harmful to our physical, emotional or relational health.

So what happens when we suppress this emotion, or simply fail to understand what it is trying to tell us?

Let me take you on a tour of disgust from every angle, so we can understand why it is essential to both our emotional balance and our emotional intelligence.

Long live disgust, basically.

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Toxic stuff — and toxic people!

First, let’s clear something up.

Disgust is not simply a subjective reaction.

It is a biological and psychological warning system alerting us to the presence of a potential poison — something that may threaten our physical integrity.

It operates in several areas of our lives:

• Food disgust, which warns us not to ingest potentially toxic substances.
• Moral disgust, which alerts us when behaviour feels morally unacceptable or makes us feel somehow “unclean”.
• Social disgust, which reminds us of the need to draw boundaries between what is acceptable and unacceptable in human interaction.
• Relational disgust, which warns us that a relationship with a person or group may represent a serious toxic risk.

It is far more common to remain in toxic relationships — by which I mean relationships in which we begin to disgust ourselves — than it is to encounter what people rather casually call “toxic people”.

Because if someone truly is toxic, their mere presence should make everybody ill.

Granted, such people may exist.

They are simply far less common than the expression suggests.

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One bout of disgust, plenty of damage

When disgust is not expressed in a healthy way, when we keep it inside instead of releasing it, we risk both visible and invisible damage.

We begin feeding the moods that are closely related to it.

Contempt, expressed through distance, either to move ourselves away from other people or encourage them to move away from us.

Irony and cynicism, indirect ways of expressing rejection without openly confronting it, hidden behind the excuse of humour or wit.

This is an especially dangerous relational trap for people who are quick with a clever remark.

And then there is disdain: adopting a haughty, superior stance which often conceals deep discomfort and an unhealthy desire for isolation.

Why do we do all this?

Quite often because we do not give ourselves permission to reject what genuinely needs rejecting, for no better reason than our own wellbeing.

You see where I’m going with this?

When we ignore disgust or refuse to express it, we expose ourselves to behaviours that damage our relationship with ourselves.

If we fail to release disgust properly, it may show up as internal tension:

• Chronic discomfort: accumulated resentment may erode self-respect and create a growing desire to withdraw.
• Social isolation: contempt and cynicism can drive people away and trap us inside our own bubble of rejection.
• Physical consequences: stomach aches, headaches, nausea and muscular tension can all accompany suppressed disgust.

So how do we avoid falling into these traps?

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Disgust is a basic emotional skill — and inseparable from emotional intelligence

Instead of treating disgust as something shameful, it is time to regard it as an inner guide.

It helps us to:

• define our personal and social boundaries;
• protect our emotional and physical wellbeing;
• avoid environments and behaviours that may be harmful.

As our emotional intelligence develops, we learn to use disgust constructively rather than allowing it to take over in the form of cynicism, contempt or blanket rejection.

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If your answer is:

“Er… not really,”

then perhaps it is time to give yourself permission to listen to this emotion.

The first warning sign is when your thinking becomes rigid and merciless:

“People are disgusting.”

“There is nothing worth saving in this rotten humanity.”

The second warning sign appears when you increasingly want to cut conversations short or avoid certain people and places altogether.

The real danger with disgust is not understanding where our rejection comes from.

That is when we risk slipping into a spiral of contempt in which nothing seems worthwhile anymore — sometimes because we are aiming our disgust at the wrong target.

1. The body-speaking-up symptom

When the mind ignores disgust, the body often takes over.

You may feel tightness in your chest or throat, unexplained nausea, headaches or muscular tension — clenched jaw, raised shoulders, stiffness.

2. The growing-isolation symptom

You begin to think that “people” are ugly and smell bad.

You avoid certain places or individuals simply because being around them makes you uncomfortable.

You adopt a cynical attitude because it gives you a sense of control.

And the worst version?

You begin to disgust yourself without quite knowing why.

Though, if we look hard enough, we can usually find a reason, can’t we?

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Disgust has a visceral and vital protective function.

So we need to learn how to express it at the right time and in the right way.

Here is how.

1. Identify the source of the disgust

Is it physiological — food, a smell?

Social — someone else’s behaviour?

Moral — a violation of your values?

Recognising the nature of the disgust helps you choose the right response.

2. Express what you feel without imposing it on other people

Instead of slipping into contempt, choose assertive communication.

Say:

“I’m not comfortable with this behaviour. I need to take some distance.”

rather than:

“That’s ridiculous! You’re disgusting. People like you…”

One describes your experience.

The other condemns the person.

That difference matters.

3. Avoid accumulation and rumination

If a behaviour or situation disgusts you deeply, say so or write it down.

Avoid feeding moods such as contempt, disdain or cynicism by rehearsing internal speeches that keep your discomfort — and the rage that often comes with it — alive.

The more you mentally replay your disgust, the more likely it is to turn into something else.

4. Release it through concrete action

Physically, disgust often shows up as tension or contraction.

Socially, the simplest response is often to move away from the source of the disgust.

And the clearest, most effective — if slightly less elegant — way of releasing it?

A good loud:

“Yuck!”

Or a proper grimace.

Sometimes emotional intelligence is gloriously unsophisticated.

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In short: learn to love your disgust

Disgust is a valuable inner compass.

It guides us towards what is good for us and alerts us when we need permission to move away from something that may harm us.

Like every emotion, though, it needs to be expressed, released and integrated into our emotional intelligence.

Otherwise it risks turning into an internal poison of its own.

So the next time you feel disgust, don’t ignore it.

And don’t rush to interpret it either.

Listen to what it is trying to tell you.

Then express it in a healthy way.

Because emotional balance also depends on our ability to say:

“No. I don’t want that. It isn’t good for me.”

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