Anger – The Driving Force Behind Life, Projects and Dreams We Make Come True

Lire cet article en français →

“You’re getting worked up over nothing.”
“Calm down.”
“Keep a cool head…”

Who hasn’t heard one of those just as the volcano inside was preparing to redecorate the room with lava?

In our culture, anger is treated with suspicion. Sometimes it is considered shameful. More often, it is simply feared.

It is time we gave it a fair hearing.

Anger is one of the five fundamental emotions. It is neither a relational defect nor a sign of immaturity.

It is an alarm signal.

The limbic system is telling us that an obstacle^[1] has appeared in the path of something that matters to us.

Anger arises when I am experiencing something I do not want, or when I am not experiencing something I do want.

If the engine is growling, perhaps it needs a bit of attention rather than a blanket thrown over it.

We routinely confuse anger with the furious behaviour of the neighbour upstairs who is shouting at ten o’clock at night because he has failed to appreciate my rather adventurous taste in music.

Yet anger itself is neither violence nor aggression.

What we commonly call “anger” is often the distorted expression of an unmet need or a frustrated project.

We confuse the emotion with the behaviour that follows it.

Healthy anger belongs to the noble little family of fundamental emotions, alongside grief, disgust, joy and fear.

It is neither shameful nor primitive.

It is functional.

It has a job to do.

Its purpose is to alert us and help us state what we want — or do not want — when something, or someone, gets in the way.

So what do we do with anger?

First, we recognise it.

That is already quite an achievement, because very few people know how to deal with anger without sliding into aggression, irritation or wounded silence.

How often do we hear:

“I’m not angry. I’m just a bit annoyed.”

And of course the immortal:

“I’m not getting angry, I’m explaining!”

— generally delivered through clenched teeth with a jawline capable of cracking walnuts.

As long as we refuse to hear anger and call it by its name, it cannot do what it is there to do:

signal an obstacle, provide energy, alert the people around us, prompt action and help us negotiate a way forward.

Once we have recognised it, the next step is to discharge it.

Yes. Discharge it.

In other words, allow the hormonal surge to run its course.

This is where things become slightly more subtle: the energy needs to move without becoming an explosion, and without being quietly imprisoned either.

Discharging anger may mean talking, moving, breathing deeply, hitting a cushion, writing a letter you never send.

The precise method matters less than allowing the energy to circulate.

Once that has happened, clear thinking can return.

Anger that is stored rather than processed becomes a mood.

And moods, as you may have gathered by now, are not terribly helpful to emotional intelligence.

In short: Anger GOOD. Mood BAD.

Properly understood, anger is one of the fuels of assertiveness.

It enables us to draw clear boundaries, defend a project and restore our sense of integrity.

In its mature form, anger supports transparency and relational courage.

Want proof?

Someone who can say, calmly and firmly:

“What you are doing is not acceptable to me.”

is infinitely more powerful than someone who shouts in fury or simmers for three days in offended silence.

1. Identify the obstacle

Is my project being threatened?

Am I being prevented from doing something?

Is something happening that I do not want?

Is there an injustice?

2. Discharge the physical energy

Walk.

Move.

Hit a cushion.

Breathe out slowly.

Let the body do its part.

3. Express the emotion without blame

Use “I” language.

For example:

“I’m angry because what I want is not possible in this situation.”

And if you are still seeing red after that, ask yourself whether anger may be covering another emotion.

Fear?

Grief?

Perhaps even a dose of disgust that has not been properly digested?

Far too often, people who are actually experiencing disgust and ought to move away remain where they are and attack the object of their rejection.

They think they are angry when, in fact, they are wasting their time and running the risk of poisoning themselves^[2] through conflict.

Emotions play hide-and-seek too.

---

Why do we get angry?

Anger is not a mood.

It is not a prolonged state of mind.

It is not a character trait.

It is a rapid, intense physiological reaction to a frustration perceived as an obstacle or impediment.^[3]

Take a very ordinary example.

I am working on something important.

A colleague suddenly appears, interrupts me and, for good measure, adds a criticism.

Adrenaline.

Anger.

Not because of the colleague as a human being.

Because at that particular moment, the colleague has become an obstacle to my project.

Anger is a highly specific alarm, activated by the limbic brain when an internal or external event interferes with something I want to experience, or imposes something I do not want.

It really can be that simple.

Whenever something appears in the path of my project — whether that project concerns my career, my love life, my afternoon nap or my chocolate bar — anger gets to work.

The limbic brain releases the hormones required to deal with the obstacle.

The simplest way of taking hold of the reins is equally straightforward:

say clearly what I want or do not want.

So it is not necessarily the event itself that creates anger.

It is the obstacle.

Anger is not saying:

“Be afraid of me.”

It is saying:

“I want to act, and something is in my way.”

It is an urgent invitation to turn obstruction into action — provided we do not confuse the emotion with the theatre that sometimes follows it.

Used well, anger gives us access to integrity and assertiveness.

It gives us the courage to say no to what obstructs us, to draw boundaries and to reaffirm our choices.

It is an ally of clarity and determination.

Its distorted cousins are the ones that carry aggression.

---

Anger’s less respectable relatives

When anger is not discharged, it stagnates.

And like anything left sitting in a blocked pipe, it starts to change.

It becomes a mood.

Its names include:

irritability, frustration, aggression.

These are no longer emotions.

They are prolonged states, kept alive by thought — ineffective, exhausting and usually rather damaging.

Instead of using the energy of anger for clear action, many of us store it in the plumbing of mental rumination.

These moods are the result of anger that has not been processed.

Energy that ought to have been released and transformed simply hangs around.

An emotion may last only a few seconds.

A mood moves in like an inconsiderate lodger and shows no sign of paying rent.

Then we brood.

We rehearse.

We conduct elaborate internal trials in which the other person is always found guilty.

“Honestly, he’s unbelievable.”

“It’s always the same.”

“I’ve told him a hundred times.”

The mental machinery keeps going.

The relationship gets worse.

Bad mood, bad news.

A particularly popular way of maintaining these moods is the soliloquy.

We replay the scene.

Add another layer.

Explain to ourselves what the other person should have done.

Remind ourselves that none of this is normal.

The energy remains trapped.

Clear thinking never returns.

We call this “being in a bad mood”.

It is about as productive as salting a field.

---

Kahler’s forms of anger

Dr Taibi Kahler, creator of Process Communication, identified three common — and unhelpful — ways in which poorly processed anger can be expressed.^[4]

• Blame: “It’s your fault.”
  We find a culprit and put everything outside ourselves.
• Attack: “You’re useless.”
  We generalise, disqualify the other person and damage the relationship.
• Complaint: “I’m useless.”
  We turn the anger against ourselves.

These behaviours are not anger.

They are clumsy ways of expressing anger without actually owning it.

The result?

Noise.

Damage.

Nothing resolved.

Healthy anger is much more sober.

It allows us to say:

“What I am experiencing here is not acceptable to me. I want to say so. I want something to change.”

There is something almost comic in the fact that anger can carry truth beautifully when it is used well and destroy that very same truth when it is badly handled.

An emotion badly processed becomes a caricature of itself.

That is one of the things Kahler helps us see very clearly.

---

Three emotional questions to help you work with anger

If your answer is:

“I think so… most of the time…”

there may still be a little work to do.

One of the first warning signs is physical.

Your body begins to heat up.

Jaw tightens.

Breathing changes.

Your gaze hardens.

Something — or someone — has just crossed the path of a project, a need or a boundary.

The second warning sign often appears in thought:

“That’s not fair.”

“They’re stopping me.”

“Here we go again.”

Thought becomes repetitive and circular.

That is fertile ground for irritability and pointless complaint.

The problem is not feeling anger.

The problem is failing to express it while it is still clear, then allowing it to ferment into bitterness, aggression or passive-aggressive behaviour.

Anger is an engine, not a ball and chain.

1. Localised physical tension

Rigid spine.

Clenched fists.

Tight neck.

Pressed lips.

The body often notices before conscious thought does.

2. The internal screenplay

You replay the scene fifteen times.

You become the narrator of a private Western in which the other person has been cast, rather unfairly, as the villain.

My advice to Mélanie: learn to recognise the bodily signs — tension in the jaw, heat, faster breathing.

Do not wait until you reach saturation point.

Anger is useful information.

---

Anger expressed well is a statement of alignment, not an act of violence.

That is a skill.

And it is one of the foundations of assertiveness.

1. Identify the exact trigger

What need or project has been obstructed?

Was a boundary crossed?

Was recognition missing?

Was something unfair?

Without this clarity, anger is very difficult to turn into a useful message.

2. Express it without accusing

Say:

“I’m angry because this project matters to me and I feel blocked.”

rather than:

“You always stop me getting anywhere.”

The difference is considerable.

You are describing your experience, not conducting a trial.

3. Avoid poisonous generalisations

“You always do this.”

“People are idiots.”

These internal speeches feed moods.

They do not express emotions.

4. Move the energy through the body

Take a brisk walk.

Hit a cushion.

Do ten press-ups.

Shout in the car.

Anything that allows the body to complete the physiological response can help thinking return.

And, contrary to what well-meaning people often advise, the point is not necessarily to “calm down”.

The point is to let the energy move so that clarity can return.

My advice to Karim: do not allow anger to settle into the furniture.

Discharge it.

Move.

Walk.

Write.

Shout in the car if necessary.

And above all, turn it into a clear sentence:

“If I am angry, something I do not want is getting in the way.”

---

If your answer is:

“I try, although sometimes it gets the better of me,”

that is already useful information.

Anger contains energy for movement.

Either we allow it to run round in circles inside our heads, or we use it.

1. Return to the original project

What mattered to you?

Respect?

Recognition?

Freedom?

A result?

A principle?

When you reconnect with the project beneath the anger, the emotion becomes intelligible again.

2. Decide what needs restoring

A boundary?

A framework?

A priority?

A decision?

Turn anger into an action rather than an accusation.

3. Tell someone who can hear it without turning it into theatre

A trusted friend.

A colleague.

Someone capable of listening without immediately trying to fix everything.

Speaking aloud often helps us hear the actual message carried by anger.

My advice to Sophie: do not wait until you have reached your limit.

Use anger to identify your boundaries and state them.

A well-expressed no often makes a far more generous yes possible.

---

And finally, why is anger one of our greatest allies?

I want to end with something my friend and long-standing partner-in-crime Pierre calls good anger.

If anger alerts us to an obstacle in the path of a project, it can also help us rediscover our projects after we have come to a standstill.

After grief.

After defeat.

After disappointment.

After mistakes.

After those periods when we simply lose momentum.

At some point, a project needs to be chosen again.

Movement needs to resume.

Pierre’s “good anger” is that mental kick up the backside we sometimes give ourselves:

Come on. Move. Get your life going again. What do you want? What do you no longer want? Is that clear? Right then. Up you get.

Here is the story Pierre sent me when I asked him to read this article:

I look forward to my next bout of good anger.

Hot, useful and full of life.

I look forward to giving myself another mental kick up the backside.

It does me good.

Particularly because there is usually a reward waiting at the end:

the uncomplicated joy of the inner child saying:

“Brilliant. That’s done.”

---